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butterflies_xo
16 December 2010 @ 10:46 pm
         snow falls through the top of my boot, melting on my sockless foot. i squish my toes together, taking a drag off the cigarette in my only uncovered hand, hoping the road to her house isn't really as long as it seems, all covered in white. this is the first snow of the year. last year, we'd spent it together. it was always sort of a special thing for me. melted snow slips in a trickle down the neck of my sweatshirt, then a whole clump of it falls from my hair. the cold burns my chest as it melts into a frigid water. i don't even move. it reminds me of the way you make me feel. cold. i sigh, completely used to the feeling of being shattered by now. in the back of my mind, i'm hoping you'd come running out of your house, and scoop me up like you used to when we'd fight.
or did that only used happen in my imagination?
i shake the thought off, and continue my walk. a single snowflake falls in my eye, making me twitch. i mumble things under my breath, cursing myself for actually wishing for this sort of weather. the curls in my hair i'd spent hours on were now drenched, falling in loose waves down my chest. i'd reached her house, and i walked up  the drive. she answered the door, and i could tell she had smoked. i laughed to myself, and went in the house. i layed on her bed while she put her make up on. i slipped into sleep, and my mind started to dream.

i was standing before you, in your basement. it was summertime. i knew this because of the beads of sweat on your face. i was wearing your favorite dress.

did you really have a favorite dress, or did i just pretend you liked the one with the flowers?
you never really gave me any indication of clothing preferences. 

we were arguing, and you slumped all of your six feet two inches down on the couch. your blonde hair covered your eyes, and i wanted desperately to move it, but i knew you didn't want me touching you. to my left, the TV was on, i couldn't tell what show. my hair was long, and black, like it is now, but it was falling down my back in thick curls, not frumpy waves ruined by snow. i threw my hands up, and started to head for the sliding glass door. you ran to me, and hoisted me up.
"i love you," you said, kissing my cheek.
"i love you too, asshole," i replied, squirming out of your grip.we layed down on the couch, and i couldn't stop kissing you.
         everything after that was a blur, but the end of my dream. the lights were off. i was standing. you were laying. then the lights came on, and you were staring at me, with a cloudy disposition.
"we will always crush each other, every time." you said, completely monotone. then you were gone. so was your basement. and i was back in the snow. all i was wearing were my bouncy, black curls, and some melted snow trickling down my bare chest. cold. how you make me feel.

 
 
Current Location: bedroom.
Current Mood: draineddrained
Current Music: Beauty Through Broken Glass - Eyes Set To Kill
 
 
butterflies_xo
28 February 2010 @ 03:40 pm
 and i decided to post about the kind of guy i want.

i don't like mixed signals,but for some reason they make me hold on to things i shouldn't.
i want someone who won't change themselves or me.
i want to accept them for who they are,because if i fell for them in the first place,
obviously i like something about them.
i just want someone who's gonna talk to me;;who doesn't care
that i laugh at the stupidest stuff for the longest time.
so maybe i like country music and i sing really loud in the car.
so maybe i blush when i say the wrong thing.
so maybe boys make me kinda nervous.
so maybe i have trust problems.
so maybe i've had my heart broken.
so maybe i play acoustic guitar and i suck.
so maybe i laugh obnoxiously.
so maybe i have some friends you don't like;;i give people chances.
so maybe i just want someone who's gonna care.
and let me know that.
just don't change who you are for me.
if you understand me&+;i understand you,
then you'll not care that i can get jealous,turn off or not,i'm not changing.
maybe i like showing you off;;let me.don't be embarrassed.
go to shows with me;;don't blow off the fact that it's important.
but all in all..
i think the whole point of this is that i want
a great friend
whose hand i can hold
and whose lips i can kiss
and who talks and shows feeling.
but
don't
change
yourself
for
me
because

won't
change
for 
you.
 
 
Current Music: The Final Episode (Let's Change The Chanel) by Asking Alexandria
 
 
butterflies_xo
07 August 2009 @ 07:42 pm
so i've realized these past few days that some guys
are so purely bull shit
that they know how to look bull shit
then take it all back with more bull shit
that doesn't look like bull shit
so you think they're not bull shit ,
but then that one little slip and you realize
"holy damn , it's bull shit ."


yeah , so i've turned into a bit of a pessimist , what can you expect ? i know i usually sit here for hours on end telling what few people read this about my pointless and well-admittedly dull life . i decided i'm not going to do that this time , though i do have plenty of heart-wrenching , palm sweating stories i could tell , my life has been pretty hectic lately . i think i'm going to voice my opinions on some things and just tell you guys some straight up hardcore feelings .

i just feel like people shouldn't be judged for cutting themselves and things like that to deal with depression . sure , the scars look terrible and a feeling if shame washes over you when someone either mentions them or you can see them staring at your scars instead of talking to you . every scar for me has a story that i am not ashamed to tell . i am not proud of what they are or that they are there , but i'm not ashamed either . look at yourselves with the weed and the pills and everything else you do to get your mind off off things , why can't a fifteen year old girl cry on her bed and bleed a little bit to help calm her down so she can sleep ? i don't do it anymore , my cutting days are long long gone , but of course those scars are still there , and of course people judge me for them . i know people who cut , and you do to , whether you know it or not . it's not their job to put themselves out there . i just know because they've come up to me saying that they know i'll understand . do you want that for yourself ? do you want girls coming up to you saying that they know you'll understand why they want to die just because they see scars on your arms ? no , i don't think you do . so don't let it happen to you , don'y cut . please . i don't think you should be judged for it or anything , but i don't think you should do it .

something i feel very strongly about is telling someone you love them . it should never be used as a line or to get in someone's pants or anything . i'm a straight up prson , and there's no bull shit with me . you tell me how you feel , i tell you how i feel , you ask me a question i answer honestly . i beliave that love is not only an emotion but a state of mind . i think you can love a million people in a life time , but i think you can only fall in love a few times before it's all run out .  whatever , i can't even voice this anymore , it's stresisng me outttt .







yeah , well , okay .

bye .


 
 
Current Music: why is six aftraid of seven by before their eyes
 
 
butterflies_xo
and i swear , oh i swear , i'll break down every solitray wall
you built to keep me out , i'll be the one who makes you see it all different ,
the one you give a chance to be the one cliche in your world of unique ,
i'll be , i'll be your grey in your black and white .


ehhh i'm not a good writer . that's just a snippet . . . gay i know .
anywayy .


   what is my idea of perfect . hmm . perfect . i've been putting a lot of though into perfect  i haven't come up with anything . hell , i can hardly concentrate on the way i feel about anything but him . it's absolutely pathetic . but perfection . simply a state of mind , a society , a feeling , a lifestyle ? who really knows . . . no one i don't believe . i think perfection is that mere second . that one second in everyone's life when it feels like doors are opened . perfect ? yeah . i believe it's a feeling . haha , maybe it's that feeling when you're sitting at a picnic table with your best friend , some guy you became friends with that she likes , and a guy you've knwn for about a year . maybe that friend of his nudges you a tells you to make a move . he likes you . and you do . you reach for his hand , and he takes it . normal . but then why do you get butterflies ? well , perfect's starting . maybe you guys sit like taht and you fel so nervous . like you could jump out of your skin . you like him . a lot . maybe too much . so you know , the eyes . you look in the eyes , glance down , you know . but then , of course , at the same time , you both go for it . or no . was it just you ? who knows . either way , you kissed each other . and in that moment , that slight little secing , right when your lips touch . that is perfection . not quite the kiss , but that adds onto it so much . but that millisecond on which the kiss initiates . for me , that feeling , and overall mindset , that is perfection .

the intoxication of his kisses make me go mad .

even if nothing might come of it .
sure , it depresses the hell out of me .
but will i let that show ? no . (: because i'm strong . <3
 
 
Current Location: my housey .
Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: wishing well ;; the airborne toxin
 
 
butterflies_xo
22 February 2009 @ 06:40 pm
 i would hate to be a starving child in africa.
i'm pissed cus i haven't eaten today.
fuck this.


 
 
Current Mood: cantankerous
 
 
 
butterflies_xo
19 February 2009 @ 07:40 pm
 i don't really understand the way i feel.
i don't know whether it's frustration, confusion, lack of confidence, hurt, remorse, longing, or a mix of them all. 
either way, it's not very pleasent feeling and deffinetly not healthy.
i'm sick to death of fighting every day, every night. sure, i do some things i shouldn't.
but being alone in this room for hours because of the fact that i'll do anything for anyone and i don't make my decisions in my life anymore?
i suppose i don't mind, i just don't want to be fought with by everyone when i do everything for some people and try to make them as happy as i can.
i guess i'm just messed up, fucked up, and, well... lonely?
i can't look in the mirror because i'm afraid i'll puke my guts out.
he had me convinced i was the most beautiful girl in the world, and hell! who knows!
maybe i am on the outside, but when i look in that damn mirror, it's all hell to me.
that ugly thing i am inside shows up vividly in my reflection. 
who do they see?
a slut turned... not?
just upset all the time.
stupid.
sex.
my past.

who am i?
i am mara.
i am single.
my favorite color is green.
i'm a gemini.
i'm about five foot three.
i cry a lot.
i love my feet.
i sing, but i'm not good.
i'm 15 years old.
i enjoy being with people and writing.
i like candy and flowers.
i sleep with stuffed animals every night.
i am in love with the colors in the world .
i am unconvinced of my existance.
i do not lie.
i am insecure.
i want to have two children.
i want to kill myself with every breath i take.
i have hardly any friends.
the one thing i want is a best friend.
i like lemonade.
i hate sweating.
i'm 11 pounds overweight.
i'm not happy.
i like bright colors.
little things piss me off.
i only have freckles in the summer.
i hate life in general.
i'm adopted.
i'm caged in.
tonight, i'm saying goodbye.
tonight, i'm not dealing.
tonight, i will feel all regret.
but tonight...
i will do it anyway...
and tonight...
i won't tell anyone.
and tomorrow morning...
it will all...
be okay . (:


 
 
butterflies_xo
19 February 2009 @ 06:35 pm
i put my iTunes on shuffle and here are the first few lyrics of the first 5 songs that came up(:


1. hey dad, look at me, think back and talk to me, did i grow up according to plan?
2. she left her books, her car, her clothes, and a note but all she wrote was, "tonight i'm leaving on a train."
3. no one round the corner have a swagger like us.(:
4.like miracles, like clock work, and like miracles you witnessed halos, but you failed to see its horns.
5. i'm so iconoclastic; i'm clastic! i only want you to think I'm fantastic. i'll participate in what you believe, if you give me the attention! yeah, yeah that's the only compensation, i want to be included in your conversation.
 
 
butterflies_xo
17 February 2009 @ 06:15 pm
   i think it's so invigorating when you meet someone and you judge them, you get a firm idea of them in your head. then once something happens and you see that there are simiarities, differences, secrets, and lies. basically what stirred all this, was a girl. a girl whose name i don't wanna say, because she doesn't need to be judged. i've been cutting lately, a lot more than usual. and i had gym today in school, so my knee length courtland cougar blue gym shorts showed a bit of my cuts on my inner thigh. the girl pulled me aside and said, "i have to ask you. what happened to your leg?"
   i had talked to this girl every single day of my school year, and i'd grown a liking for her. she seemed so sweet and trustworthy, and i didn't want to lie. so i said, "i did it myself," and her reaction blew me off my feet. this girl looked at me, all seriousness on her face, and she said,
   "me too."
   she pulled back her sleeve and showed me her scars, so i showed her mine. now, this may seem like a brush off the shoulder to most of you, but you don't know this girl. here. i will describe her. in great detail. then maybe you'll see. 
bright blonde hair, hollister every single day, high fashion purses, coach bags and shoes, and part time modeling contracts. bright blue eyes and tiffany earrings, putting on a front of honest stupidity without realizing it. 
   so we had a really in depth conversation about how she is hiding from herself because she's put up an image, and, in her mind has to live up to it. she wants to have fun with people she actually wants to be friends with, not the stuck up preppy bitches. now don't get me wrong, i'm not dissing on stereotypes. trust me, i wear my fair share of "preppy" clothes. but yeah basically she opened my eyes.
   and later in that class, a boy named michael bailey started hitting on her. she has a boyfriend, but she doesn't know how to stand up for herself. so i told him to back off, and he tolld me to calm down and we argued for a while and he was like,
   "no, you seriously need to calm down. i was just talking to her. you had no right to butt in."
   i got mad and he called me a loser, so i laughed. i said "is that supposed to hurt me? to make me go cry?"
   of course, he told me to go cry.
   i laughed again... and he said the one thing that's shaken me since ever.
   he looked me in the face and said...

   "you're crazy."

  i don't think you know how deep that cuts and how bad it hurts. i don't know why, how, or anything, but that is the one thing that just makes me want to cry. and that's exactly what i did. i stood there on one side of a badmitten court, racket in hand, crying. my eyes were wide, and i wasn't really thinking. the girl looked at me and said "go to the bathroom. meet you there." so i went. i ran. i burst into the bathroom and sobbed. she came in and gave me the biggest hug ever, thanking me for standing up for her. i'd stood up for her before, more than once. but no one had ever said that to me. she calmed me down and we sat on that floor and talked about everything. why certain things make us do what we do. and she understood me. and i understood her. and to be perfectly honest, say or think what you will, but i think this is the start of a beautiful friendship.<3
 
 
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: collapsed by aly and aj
 
 
butterflies_xo
16 February 2009 @ 04:18 pm
 
 
butterflies_xo
05 February 2009 @ 09:18 pm
 is it pathetic that it's come to the only thing anyone can say is...






























don't die?