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19 February 2009 @ 07:40 pm
who i am...  
 i don't really understand the way i feel.
i don't know whether it's frustration, confusion, lack of confidence, hurt, remorse, longing, or a mix of them all. 
either way, it's not very pleasent feeling and deffinetly not healthy.
i'm sick to death of fighting every day, every night. sure, i do some things i shouldn't.
but being alone in this room for hours because of the fact that i'll do anything for anyone and i don't make my decisions in my life anymore?
i suppose i don't mind, i just don't want to be fought with by everyone when i do everything for some people and try to make them as happy as i can.
i guess i'm just messed up, fucked up, and, well... lonely?
i can't look in the mirror because i'm afraid i'll puke my guts out.
he had me convinced i was the most beautiful girl in the world, and hell! who knows!
maybe i am on the outside, but when i look in that damn mirror, it's all hell to me.
that ugly thing i am inside shows up vividly in my reflection. 
who do they see?
a slut turned... not?
just upset all the time.
stupid.
sex.
my past.

who am i?
i am mara.
i am single.
my favorite color is green.
i'm a gemini.
i'm about five foot three.
i cry a lot.
i love my feet.
i sing, but i'm not good.
i'm 15 years old.
i enjoy being with people and writing.
i like candy and flowers.
i sleep with stuffed animals every night.
i am in love with the colors in the world .
i am unconvinced of my existance.
i do not lie.
i am insecure.
i want to have two children.
i want to kill myself with every breath i take.
i have hardly any friends.
the one thing i want is a best friend.
i like lemonade.
i hate sweating.
i'm 11 pounds overweight.
i'm not happy.
i like bright colors.
little things piss me off.
i only have freckles in the summer.
i hate life in general.
i'm adopted.
i'm caged in.
tonight, i'm saying goodbye.
tonight, i'm not dealing.
tonight, i will feel all regret.
but tonight...
i will do it anyway...
and tonight...
i won't tell anyone.
and tomorrow morning...
it will all...
be okay . (: